June 6th, 1944 – Normandy
Around three hundred French civilians were murdered yesterday and an undetermined number were injured during the first hours of the American invasion of continental Europe. Most of the French victims were due to artillery shots coming from the American fleet that was trying to hit German fortifications on the coast before thousands of soldiers proceeded to land on several of the beaches. According to sources in the improvised hospital in the town of Saint Mere Eglise, the slaughter was worse than French and Germans anticipated. “We are dropping like flies” said an eye witness who preferred to remain anonymous. “The Americans came in killing like mad men, I never thought I would say this, but life was better with Adolf Hitler.”

According to information coming from the front, the American invasion caused serious environmental damage. The army brigade that landed on the beaches is equipped with tanks, trucks and war machinery that destroyed several kilometers of coastline and thousands of hectares of very ecologically interesting wetlands. It is believed that the lazy crab’s habitat, native to this part of France, has been totally devastated; biologists warned the species might disappear. A Bluepeace representative was very dismayed, reporting his organization had warned about this military operation at least a year ago. “This disaster is just another example of how little attention the American military establishment pays to the environment.” “We have no doubt the powerful industrial-military lobby’s interests, protected by the White House, are behind the landing” said the environmentalist spokesperson Petra Cheekyface. Yesterday, during a mid-night press conference in a New York hotel, Jacques Lefrenchie, one of the members of the exiled French Government said that the savage invasion was brought on by American beer multinationals’ greed, thirsting to invade European markets. “Everybody knows President Roosevelt has his own agenda and his own drinking clientele”, “once the German companies established in France are taken, Yankee beer will control the world market”.

Unofficial sources connected to the Roosevelt administration admit the harshness of the intervention, which they say was based on information provided by Albert Einstein, a German scientist who sent a letter to the President in order to warn him of the possibility of the Nazis developing the ultimate weapon known as the “atom bomb.” The effect such weapon would be terrible and cause an unheard of number of victims. Just one explosion would kill thousands and devastate the atmosphere. Hitler has, on many occasions, denied having this “bomb,” something international inspectors confirmed while traveling in the Reich for two weeks.

Shortly after the invasion started, cases of abuse against German soldiers captured after the landing have been reported. These abuses violate the Geneva Agreement on prisoners of war. In the meantime, rumors persist about supposed mistreatment the Germans are inflicting on the Central European Jews in the so-called “concentration camps,” but nothing has been proved yet.

It might look like it, but this is not a joke. Today, seventy years after the landing, this fictitious news report would be real, it would be in every newspaper and everyone would blindly believe it.

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